Before I get into the actual review, I want to make my position very clear: I LOVED the 1999 cult hit Boondock Saints.   I saw it on a recommendation and fell in love.  The action sequences were wildly fresh.  The story was engaging and original.  The acting was great, save a forgivable few mediocre performances.  The characters and dialogue were colorful, witty, and light.  The movie was so f---ing fun!

The Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day is not fun. This movie is about the return of the McManus brothers (Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus) from a self-imposed exile in Ireland to once again roam the streets of Boston enforcing their own brand of justice.  The filmmakers tried to recreate the quick pace and slick style of Boondock the first but could manage only to get it up to the level of a shitty knockoff.  The action sequences are laughably repetitive and several are blatant rehashes of scenes from the first movie, with only minor differences. 

The script is ridden with transparent exposition, unreasonable plot advances, pointless callbacks to the first film, and masturbatory self-awareness gags as if to say, “We have legions of fans that care about a f---ing good story.”  This sequel is schizophrenic and celebratory, a stark contrast to the first film.

There was a time when the rumor of a Boondock Saints sequel was something that seemed both impossible and f---ing amazing. It was very similar to the feeling that the Star Wars prequels had before they came into existence. Geeks would spend hours imagining possible story lines and assuring each other how “bad-ass” these films would be. Much like Phantom Menace, The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day is heartbreaking in its failure.

Actually, Menace might be better. At least it gave us Darth Maul and that bad-ass lightsaber battle. Something, even if it was miniscule, improved in Menace, whereas BS II failed to improve on anything from the first film. Balls!

At this point, I’m going to let you know that MAJOR SPOILERS are contained below. In all honesty, I loved The Boondock Saints. I have a tradition of watching it every St. Patrick’s Day while pounding the black stuff, and it always amazes me how brilliant and artistic the film is in every single f---ing scene! The sequel has nearly none of this, and, therefore, I really don’t feel there is anything that I can ruin for you. You’ve been warned.

Dear Troy Duffy:

Congratulations to you on the epic failure that was The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day! 

Despite your success in the making of the original Saints film, I must say that I am not, in the least, surprised by the horrible piece of s**t that was the sequel.  After viewing the eye-opening documentary Overnight which detailed your rise and dismal fall from the Hollywood spotlight, I was amazed that anyone would give you the time of day, let alone provide you with the capital and means to create a sequel.  Although I enjoyed the first Saints, even I was not looking forward to the second film. 

I think that the title of the sequel alone speaks volumes as to the quality of the film.  Much like Michael Bay with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, you must have felt that we required a colon-laden title with further explanation as to what we might expect in the film.  Well, sir, much like Michael Bay, you made it quite clear that by adding more money to the film, we could expect more s**t and less plot.  Thank you for clearing that up; I would have been quite confused if you had simply left the title as The Boondock Saints II.   

Dear Mr. Cameron:

Per your request, I viewed your latest film, Avatar.  While I was entertained visually by the film, at no time throughout the two-and-a-half hours did I sprout a tail or have the opportunity to ride a flying dragon.  Given our discussion of this film being a “breakthrough,” I am disappointed that my 3D glasses did not meld to my face, allowing me to participate and interact with the characters. 

I regret to inform you that I have denied your request to be deemed “The King of the World.”  For the time being, you will continue to be referred to as “Titanic-boy.”  If you wish to appeal this decision, please submit your request in writing no later than 30 days after the posting of this letter (along with an autograph from the guy from Grandma’s Boy).